This is a log of my efforts to have children in my late 30s. I started this journey at age 35 and am now 39 and trying for a second child. My first successful pregnancy was at age 37 after 3 IVFs, 1 medicated IUI, 1 miscarriage, and 3 Reproductive Endocrinologists.
In honor of our one year anniversary of moving from Florida to Colorado, I dug up some pics from FL for Show and Tell.
Here's our favorite hiking spot in FL. No surprise, Florida isn't plentiful with hiking areas, so we'd go to this same spot all the time. I still have to remind myself that I no longer have to worry about gators when I see a body of water here in CO.
Here's a picture of Hyde Park Village in Tampa. It's an outdoor shopping mall. It's where I met my husband (on a bench near the fountain you see here). So this spot is very special to me.
My Retraction
So...DH read my blog yesterday while I was out shopping. He's not a regular reader so when he told me he was mad about something I wrote on my blog I was surprised. He didn't like that I said he was ADHD on this post. I said, "Honey, I didn't mean you actually had the disorder, it was just my way of saying you would have been bored out of your skull." To which he reminded me that people on the Internet don't necessarily know what I mean all the time. Admittedly, I do have a bad habit of using psychobabble -- I call myself OCD because I lock the car twice, just to make sure, and I call myself depressed if I have one sad hour of life. So after realizing that I inadvertently criticized the man I love, I found this blog entry, and it made me realize that by intentionally misusing psychiatric phrases, I am insulting people who actually have those disorders as well as those (including myself and DH) who don't. So...I'll try to be better about this, and I apologize to DH because he has spent many a day watching over my sick self after an embryo transfer or some other surgery, taking the very best care of me, and being kind enough to focus on me lovingly and completely.
Sarah McLachlan's Wait. Couldn't find a good video, but the music is still great to read by!
Upfront warning, this is a long one! I haven't blogged for over a week (other than show-and-tell) so gotta catch up!
This upcoming Sunday, the CO Bloggers are getting together to see Sex and the City. I'm bummed that I can't hang out with all these amazing women, as I will be at a friend's wedding If you happen to be in Denver that day and want to join them, send an e-mail to Lori. I didn't wait long after the movie's release and went yesterday to a matinee. It was fantabulous!
The only thing I regret is that I didn't go when I was in Manhattan on Thursday night -- I had a girl's night out that night with work friends, but since one of the women had never been to NYC before, we opted to sightsee, plus we had an early meeting Friday, so a midnight showing would have been hard to manage, BUT it would have been a once-in-a-lifetime blast too. All over Manhattan, there were groups of women looking more stylish than I ever have in my life. I noticed lots of women were wearing bright pink stilettos (is that a thing? Maybe I missed that episode...but I figured, what else could it be for!).
I'm now on Facebook. I was partially inspired by Mel's post Facebookiquette, and partially inspired by all the younger people at my company who are into social networking. Send me an e-mail if you want to find me there.
I am so not wanting to blog about infertility because it reminds me that my story is not leading to a happy ending as quickly as I wished. But here goes.
Our Monday IUI almost didn't happen. For those of you lucky enough to be uninitiated into the IUI routine, husband arrives at set time to give donation, (or he does it at home and then has to keep it warm on the drive there by placing it in the armpit, an imaginably awkward driving position). Then wife arrives 90 minutes later for the insemination.
So, GS was in the RE's office, sample in armpit, and they had him in the waiting room, but apparently the embryologist didn't know he was waiting, so she called me.
Embryologist: Your husband isn't here, if he's not here soon we'll have to cancel.
Me: He should be there by now, he left 40 minutes ago and it's a 10-minute drive. Maybe something happened on his way there (I'm thinking he got pulled over!). Isn't there anything you can do to help us out?
Embryologist transferred me to a nurse.
Me: Is there anything you can do to help us out? What if you thaw our frozen sample?
Nurse: We have to thaw and process and that takes 90 minutes. The earlies we would have you in is 1pm.
Me: I have to jump on a plane that leaves at 3pm. Is there any way you can accommodate us any earlier??!
Nurse: No. We have to cancel you.
Me: Oh. (shocked and speechless)
When they finally realized he was there, they sent him home and told him that I said it was OK. I didn't so much say that.
GS was pissed and swore we would never ever go back to The Palace for anything, no matter what, after that situation. After $4K of injectibles and $600 of acupuncture, mind you. I agreed, but I wasn't in the mood to be upset. We regrouped. GS suggested putting the "sample" in a turkey baster and squeezing it in. Seriously. I'm like, you're kidding, right? He said, no. We settled on trying to do it natural (i.e. no turkey baster), and just then the phone rang. Another nurse called, apologized profusely, and asked if I could come in at 11. I said yes.
When I arrived, the nurse was super nice, super apologetic, and said that the first nurse I'd spoken to didn't realize the situation. I'm so used to the "wham-bam-thank-you-mam" 3-minute ultrasounds, that I was surprised she was super chatty and took her time to make conversation, reiterate their dedication to helping us get pregnant, and apologize about 20 more times.
So that was that.
On the upside, NYC was great. I went out on the town three nights in a row and <holding head down in shame> gave into peer pressure and had a few drinks. I justified it by telling myself that the eggs were already created, and until the embies implant, they don't get any nutrients from my blood. To my credit, I nursed the hell out of my cocktails. It's all for the best, since I can't hold my liquor anyway. I made the mistake of saying the word "titty bar" when describing why I liked Denver better than Tampa (as in, I had to pass five titty bars on my way to work every day in Tampa), and the look on my co-workers' faces made me thankful I wasn't drinking more and saying worse.
In NYC, I called Cornell to see if they couldn't squeeze me in that week for a consult. Since I was there and all. They could not.
Tomorrow is my appointment with Dr. Swanson from Conceptions. It took me four hours on Sunday to gather up all my IF-related medical records and fill out their 20-page new patient forms.
As you can see, I am not considering myself to be in a true 2-week-wait . If only 1 in 10 of my eggs are good, then with only two mature eggs, my chances are 20% at best. So I'm better off emotionally just focusing on the next steps.
Yesterday was a crazy day -- I found out I'll have to move back to Tampa for my job because of a reorganization. This caused much stress and I'm not good with surprises. So GS and I were in discussions of priorities (city vs. job) and options. GS is in-between jobs and we love it here in Denver, but I've had my job for 8 years and have more earning power, yada yada.
Since I was distracted by a zillion thoughts racing through my head, I spaced out taking my BCP (I've been taking them at 6pm) and realized it at 7am today, so took it then. Started bleeding at 10am. Called the nurse and still waiting for a callback.
Does anyone know the repurcussions? Now I'm worried I've screwed up the entire IVF cycle....Argh!
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Update 5/8 -- Nurse Rachel called last night and said I did the right thing by doubling up the next day, and the missed pill shouldn't cause any problems.
Age 31 - In a long-term relationship. Decided to go off birth control because it didn't feel right avoiding conception anymore. After a few years of not trying not to get pregnant, never did. Not disappointed and not really even surprised, as I'd had this funny feeling my whole life that I wouldn't be able to have children anyway.
Age 34 - I met the man (who I'll call GS, short for Good Sport) who would be my husband. He was cool with the no-BC program. He was so cool with it that he talked about having kids, often.
Age 35 - Got married to GS. Had visions of getting prego on my wedding night. Too tired to even try. BUT -- My MOH got pregnant on my wedding night. Or the day before or day after, but I prefer to mentally torture myself and think it was on THE night.
Age 36 - On Jan 1 - Made a resolution to get medical help to get prego. Went to a super nice RE in Tampa, FL (Dr. Welden) that January who had helped out an over-40 friend a few years earlier have twins. Did 4 months of clomid and then one IVF with him. It was challenging, because GS had to work in Melbourne, FL, 3 hours away from our home in Tampa (where I remained), for 7 months because of his stupid company, so one of us had to drive 3 hours across the state of FL to rendezvous on the "right day" each month. Admittedly not the best scenario for TTC.
Lowdown on IVF #1:
July 7 - retrieved 8 eggs. Doc had moral reasons for fertilizing only as many as patient wants to implant.
July 12 - 5-day transfer of one blast and one morula.
July 26 - BFN
Moved to Denver, CO, and went to see Dr. Surrey at CCRM. GS and I had the full battery of tests. Only diagnosis was low blood flow to the uterus, which I'm told could be corrected with (a) acupuncture, and (b) Viagra suppositories. Did IVF. Lowdown on IVF #2:
Oct 30 - retrieval - 20 eggs, 18 fertilized
Nov 2 - 3-day transfer of 4 embryos.
Nov 11 (our anniversary) - first ever + HPT
Nov 13 - + beta - 57
next 2 weeks - beta hell - rising LESS THAN 66% every 2 days...on tests 2 & 3. Then it doubled on tests 4 or 5. Just to mess.with.my.brain.
Nov 30 - u/s showed empty gestational sac
Dec 14 - D & C
Here's a short list of some of the things I had done to help IVF #2 along:
2x/week electro acupuncture to increase blood flow to my uterus
Mayan uterine massage (this is done on the belly, btw)
Hypnosis by a hypnotist that specializes in infertility
2x/day meditation
Weekend painting workshop to attempt to get in touch with my maternal instincts
Attended not one, but TWO, infertility support groups to get in touch with my feelings
Started seeing a psychiatrist to discuss infertility and how to think positive
Avoided sugar, nutrasweet, and non-organic dairy, meats, & veggies
Age 37 - Tossing around the idea of whether and when and where to do IVF #3.
Doc recommends doing a chromosomal test ($2K not covered by insurance) to see if ANY eggs are any good. CCRM has this lovely pay-upfront-and-once-insurance-pays-then-we-pay-you-back policy. I'm still waiting for $4K back. I'd really like to get this money back before giving them any more money. I am so frustrated with the 20+ conversations I've had with their finance dept. that I'm tempted to go to Conceptions instead, even though their stats aren't as good. I did meet one woman at a holiday party who had twins with that clinic with her own eggs at 41. GS thinks I can hyperstim myself with the leftover drugs in the fridge and we can try natural. I don't know about that idea but I suspect it's driven by thoughts of being childless and penniless. Or maybe he just wants my meds shelf freed up in the fridge so it can hold more beer.
