This is a log of my efforts to have children in my late 30s. I started this journey at age 35 and am now 39 and trying for a second child. My first successful pregnancy was at age 37 after 3 IVFs, 1 medicated IUI, 1 miscarriage, and 3 Reproductive Endocrinologists.
My beautiful daughter -- my dream come true -- is now one year old and walking. She loves swimming class, strawberries, yogurt, dogs, books, peekaboo (this somehow hasn't gotten old yet), sitting on dad's shoulders, going down slides (and trying to go back up), and the Upsidedown Show (a family fave). I am truly in heaven to have such a joyous child in my life. (and my husband likes her too).
If it weren't for my struggle in having her I'm not sure I would soak up each moment with her to the same extent. I do doubt that I could ever love another child as much as I love her. But even with that doubt I am certain I could love another child and make room in my life if blessed to that extent.
So now I'm ready to give it another go. Here's a run down of my efforts:
I verified that I have insurance money left for another IVF. I do, thank goodness.
I met with Dr. Swanson at Conceptions two weeks ago and he ordered blood tests and an U/S.
FSH is 9.0 which is good. Two years ago it was 10.4 (lower is better - doc wants to see <10). Although you're only as good as your highest #.
E2 (estradiol) is 28, it just needs to be < 80.
LH was 5, just needs to be <= FSH.
Resting follicle count was 13 and probably even more that the tech couldn't see (the nurse said they are happy to see 10).
I get my AMH # in another week and get my Day 10 FSH checked next week.
I've been doing acupuncture, taking herbs, taking heavy duty liquid vitamins.
I'm doing clomid starting today just so I don't "waste a month" of eggs while I'm still in my 30s. Dr. S gave it less than a 5% chance of working and I'm fully aware it probably won't work but hey what the heck.
I'm considering taking bee pollen & royal jelly to improve egg quality but am scared of anaphlactic shock!! Also I haven't started taking CoQ-10 or L-Arginine or L-Carnitine but they're all sitting right here on my desk staring me in the face.
I asked about taking growth hormone with just a clomid/IUI cycle and doc says he won't prescribe because there are no studies to back it up. Because of my age myeggs may have hard shells which means they won't fertilize unless [a] growth hormone is used to make them better quality (which I think means softer shells too) or [b] ICSI is done where the embryologist actually punctures the shell of the egg and injects a single sperm. This helps because even the heartiest sperm may not be able to puncture the shell left to its own devices.
My biggest challenge is that Dr. S wants me to stop breastfeeding. I never thought I'd go this long (13 months) but here I am. DD shows no signs of wanting to stop and the more I read about BF the more I'm fine with going longer. However with IVF drugs it's not recommended, and BF may lower the chance of getting pregnant, IVF or otherwise. But DD is down to just twice a day and doc checked my Prolactin. If it is low it may not interfere too much. But he still says stop.
No idea if anyone reads this anymore but I need somewhere to capture all this data so it might as well be here!!
This post is in response to a reader comment/question. I know a lot of you bloggers choose to not name doctor or practice names in your blogs. I personally have no rule against it. I figure this is my experience, and since this country blesses me with freedom of speech, I'm happy to share my experience. Of course it is just that -- one person's experience. But isn't that part of why we read blogs -- to know other people's experiences? To not just see a number on the CDC website, but to know other women and what they went through. So for that valuable benefit, here you are.
Why I went to Conceptions instead of CCRM for my fourth cycle:
1. A woman I met at a Christmas party last year told me she had twins at age 42 with Dr. Swanson with her own eggs after 4 IVFs. Her boys were at the party with her, they were about two years old, and adorable, and she was a very happy mom. She told me about Dr. Swanson and how he used to be partners with Dr. Schoolcraft and how wonderful he was.
2. I know another woman -- another blogger -- who went to Conceptions, is a little older than me, and had success. So that inspired me. She told me how their embryologists are A++ and pointed out that the stats are similar to CCRM. I looked it up and sure enough they are.
3. I was severly frustrated with the way CCRM was handling some of my finances, as they owed (and still owe) me about $2K from my cycle Oct/Nov 2007. I have an attorney working to get me my money back.
4. CCRM had made my husband and I upset during our first try at IVF #3. I had converted to IUI after taking the requisite $5K worth of fertility drugs for a typical low-responder IVF cycle. On the planned IUI day, my husband was waiting in the waiting room at CCRM with his contribution on a weekend day, and they had called me and said he hadn't shown up. Apparently they expected him to know he had to go down to the basement floor, even though there was nobody at the front desk who told him that. So they sent him home and said we couldn't do the procedure due to time constraints in their lab. When my husband got home, we were both in shock that we couldn't go through with the procedure after all the expense and effort of taking the fertility drugs. They did call me at home about 90 minutes later, apologized, and said they could do it afterall, which they did. But the initial turn-away put a bad taste in our mouths.
5. I consulted with Dr. Swanson at Conceptions and I really liked him. He is smart and personable and direct and offered intriguing ways that he could change my protocol to help me out. I liked how he recommended Human Growth Hormone. I liked how he referenced studies and had printouts of them piled up behind his desk and pulled out specific ones to show me as we spoke.
6. A few days after consulting with Dr. Swanson, I asked Dr. Surrey if he would be willing to give me Human Growth Hormone and he said no, reason being that the FDA hadn't approved it for use for infertility. But after researching it, I very much wanted to use it. And it was very clear which doctor would give me the drug and which would not.
7. Everyone at Conceptions is super nice. It's a small, personal practice. Their office is a friendly and comfortable place -- not fancy or expensive, but welcoming. I didn't feel like a number or a nuisance like I did sometimes at CCRM. Although there were some really sweet people at CCRM, in general, the health care workers at CCRM seemed overworked and stressed and didn't have sufficient time to answer questions. On the other hand, the nurse at Conceptions seemed happy and had time to answer my questions and didn't seem hurried or stressed at all. In my opinion, if health care workers at a practice are kind and happy and spend quality time with patients, then their bosses -- the docs -- are probably very nice to them and make it a priority to make their staffs happy. Which in turn makes the patients happy and provides for a much more positive experience.
8. Last but not least -- I think it's a good idea to try a different clinic if you're not having success with your clinic -- even if your clinic is world-renowned. Sometimes just a different pair of eyes looking at your chart and tweaking your protocol is the difference between a heartbreak and a world of happiness.
OK so I had a dream I did a HPT last night. First I saw the base line. Then next to it, a pink line, then next to that, a blue line. I didn't know what the blue line meant, but I was thinking (in my dream) that it meant negative, and I was trying to figure out if the negative and positive canceled each other out. I was confused and then I woke up.
Weight-wise my body is doing bizarre things. I normally weigh around 120 at 5'4." <Fighting urge to go into long rant and history about weight and my preferred weight and why it sucks to get old because it's hard to lose weight and how I can't eat carbs like I used to...but let's not go there.> Anyhoo...when I was taking DHEA, and then HGH, my weight spiked to 128. <OK we'll go there just a tad: I haven't weighed that much since five years ago when I was in a relationship that was going nowhere and was unsure about what to do with my life.> But that was emotional eating. This was not -- this was drugs doing funky things to my body. I was not thrilled about it, but in the spirit of TTC, I didn't let myself get too worked up about it. (Other than being pissed I got rid of all of my "fat clothes" in the hopes I'd never need them again -- mental note to never do that again.) Since Saturday, which was Transfer Day, my weight has come back to a more normal 122. I have been nauseous but have been careful to eat enough calories (even dipped into Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey last night), so it's not from lack of eating. It's just bizarre.
Also and maybe related, my heart rate has been around 80. I have a blood pressure cuff at home so I've been testing it. It's normally around 50. I'm thinking the HGH boosters that I'm taking are telling my body to make more blood. I can't find anyone on the Internet that has these same two things during their 2ww -- high heart rate and weight loss. Which I guess makes me a freak of nature. So if anyone has heard of anyone having these (esp. the heart rate), please let me know.
Motivated by the urge to know when I can test, I did an estimate of when the HCG should leave my system, and it seems that there will be a bit left at my beta on Tuesday. HCG has a half-life of 24 hours, so half the dosage leaves your body every day. To figure out what's left, you halve the amount every day, as in: if you took 10,000 on Friday, you would have 5000 in your system Saturday, 2500 Sunday, and so on. Here's my calculation. MON – 10,000 TUES – 5000 WED – 2,500 THURS – 1,250 FRI – 625 + 1000 BOOSTER = 1626 SAT – 312.5 + 500 + 1000 BOOSTER = 1812.5 SUN – 156 + 250 + 500 = 906 MON – 78 + 125 + 250 = 453 TUES – 39 X+ 62.5 + 250 + 1000 BOOSTER = 1226.5 WED – 19.5 + 31 + 62.5 + 500 = 613 THURS – 10 + 15.5 + 31 + 250 = 307.5 FRI – 5 + 8 + 15.5 + 125 = 154 SAT – 2.5 + 4 + 8 + 62.5 = 72 SUN – 1 + 2 + 4 + 31 = 38 MON – 0 + 1 + 2 + 15.5 = 18.5 TUES - 0 + 0 + 1 + 8 = 9
No HPTs for me now. Unless it's just to play pretend. Which admittedly would be fun, but brings to mind that story of Elizabeth Smart, that girl that was kidnapped in Utah six years ago, and her female captor that carried around a baby doll like it was her baby.
First off, thanks sooo much to everyone who has stopped by my blog and offered me support this cycle, whether it be via comment or just positive vibes. It is uplifting to get your kind and motivating comments, every single one has brightened my day. And yes that sounds totally cheesy but it's true.
It's too early in the game to have any juicy news to pass along. So here's the non-juicy news. Since Transfer Day, I've been sleeping 12-15 hours a day. Once I realized the progesterone is making me very sleeepy (it took until yesterday to make the connection, you'd think by now I'd have this stuff figured out), I decided to move the shots to right before bedtime so as to maximize my waking time and not feel like a complete lazy-ass. As for any bodily feelings, I felt minor cramping up until yesterday. I kind of wish the cramping would return, it makes me think something's going on in there. As for weight, I lost 3.5 pounds since Saturday. I'm sure it's water, but that's a testament to how much water was stored in my belly during stimms I suppose. My belly has been non-stop nauseous. We got a big dry-ice-filled box of Ben and Jerry's from my sister-in-law today to thank us for playing camp counselors for a week and I can't even get motivated to dip a spoon in. (Get this flavor - "Imagine Whirled Peace" -- a tribute to John Lenin made up of carmel ice cream and fudge peace signs and toffee).
I am a BAD bed rest babe - on the good side, I didn't do anything stressful. But against doctor's orders, I decided it was within the realm of bodily care to walk, so I've been walking an hour a day. Walking has actually made me feel human again after all the nap-induced fuzz-brain. But other than walking my dogs, and, oh yeah, a quick trip to the store to buy pineapple, my ass has been pretty much glued to a sofa. Luckily I work from home, so I can keep working from the sofa. If you happen to be a long-time-reader (which in the case of this blog is Feb), you may know that part of the reason I even took a job working from home (within my employer of 8 years, that is) is for all of this IF stuff. It's a hell of a lot easier to do IVF when not doing the daily commute and sneaking into bathrooms and sneaking out for frequent doctor appointments. And I know, I did the sneaking the first time 'round.
So anyway, back to this cycle. My brain is fucking with me, of course. It goes back and forth between two main themes:
#1 -- There's only a 10% chance this worked, so don't expect it to work. If it does, that's great, but if it doesn't, don't freak. You're older and your eggs are older, it's not a criticism, it's just a fact.
#2 - If you think positive and imagine the little embies becoming blasts and hatching and implanting, and send them love and pray to God (I'm a bad Catholic, not being a frequent pray-er, but the prayers have picked up significantly lately), then all the positive thinking and prayer are sure to have some impact.
Then there's the paranoia:
#1.1 -- It will be a bummer to have to tell people yet again that it didn't work. People don't want to hear about failures. It will be something you take to your death bed, that this didn't work, that you never got to leave a legacy in the form of a genetically related human. People don't just get over this.
#2.1 -- What if you're wasting positive thinking energy by talking to and praying about embies that arrested development days ago? That's borderline kooky. Talking to nothing. But then again, if time doesn't exist in heaven, then maybe a prayer today can help embies from 3 days ago.
And then there's the emotionally-intelligent me:
#1.2 -- if it doesn't work, at least I will have given it the ol' college try. Three tries is respectable. And walking away from the table before you're down too far is a smart thing to do. Plus, it will be a massive relief actually to have my life back. No more shots or doctor visits. Freedom from TTC.
#2.2 -- [well success doesn't require too much emotional intelligence, right? It seems to be needed where success is lacking.]
OK I'm a big geek because I just put my thoughts in outline numbers.
Doc has me on luteal HCG -- where I shoot it up every 3 days, last day being Friday -- so it doesn't make sense to do a HPT until probably Sunday (8dp3dt) at the earliest. Probably for the best - I'm not a good bargain shopper, so at $10 a pop, that should save me $50.
Speaking of drugs, I convinced DH to take the remaining growth hormone, seeing as I had $200 worth of it left over. His first reaction was "I hate needles." I screamed, "you wimp! I've had about a thousand shots in the last year, and you don't even want ONE!?!" Eventually he gave in and let me give him a belly shot. It was weird doing it to someone else. He had the same effect from the drug that I had -- kind of wired, and insomnia. Oh the ways we have fun in our household these days. =)
My ER was today, with 10 eggs retrieved. Not bad considering that on our last try at IVF#3, in March, I never made it to ER due to two leading follices, and cycle was converted to an IUI. This time around, I was officially acepted by my new RE as an IUI patient with the option to convert to IVF if I had at least 4 follies, due to my "poor history," so I trumped the 4-follie criterion.
I had a 6:30 a.m. conference call for work, and then woke up DH at 7:30 a.m. He was up til 2 a.m. last night chatting with his niece and nephew after we all went to see the Police at Red Rocks (great show!), and needless to say, was not too excited to be awakened. Of course I think, why does he have to be a grump when we're trying to make a baby. But then I figure, it's not like he was up late drinking -- he was up late being a very cool uncle to two teenagers who love him to death. And anyway, he cheered up once we got to the doc. Being a health care worker himself, he always goes out of his way to make the health care workers smile because he knows what it's like to be in their shoes.
Things were quite a bit different at Conceptions compared with CCRM. At Conceptions today, I was the only ER patient of the day. When I had my last ER -- with CCRM back in November 07 -- I was the 12th, and last, patient of the day and was wheeled out to my car in the dark. Seems like the fact that they have only my eggies to focus on today is a good thing.
Tomorrow we'll get the fertilization report, and on Friday (day 2) the embryologist will be able to tell us if it's a 3-day or 5-day transfer. At that point (day 2), the embies should be at the 2- or 4- cell stage. Should be interesting to see what embryo quality is since last time we had high fragmentation. With 4 straight months of 2x/week acupuncture, and HGH, I'm hoping for better quality. The criteria for day 3 versus day 5 transfer is that, if > 4 look good on day 2, then they plan a day 5 transfer. I prefer a day 3 regardless of what they look like on day 2, but I'll wait to see what they look like before putting my foot down. No sense being adamant now about going against their preferred ways of doing things if I'll only have a few good ones anyway.
I'm happy that on transfer day, the embryologist is going to have a full size pic of every embryo for us to look at. I've never got to see pictures before. My first embryologist, in Tampa, said that taking pictures was bad for the embryos. The current embryologist says that's not the case.
Not much to do now other than send those little embies happy thoughts.
Here's Sarah McLachlan performing Ice Cream. This is my 2nd last song / blog title from her Fumbling Towards Ecstasy album. Not sure how to relate this to fertility, but I have plans to go to Dairy Queen tonight.
I started stimming on Tuesday, so today is day 3 of my 2nd attempt at IVF #3. I'm on Saizen, which is a human growth hormone produced by recombitant DNA technology. It's actually produced from mice and then modified to equal human growth hormone genes. So basically I'm injecting myself daily with serum from mice as well as the urine of postmenopausal women. Just think about that for a moment. Mouse juice and pee from strange old women. The things we do to get what we want.
I've had insomnia since stim day 1, and since I don't recall having that side effect on any other cycle, I'm blaming it on the Saizen. I also finally rode my new touring bike on Tuesday for the first time -- it's been sitting in the garage for 4 months, and I've been a wanna-be cycler for months now, but finally I got on the thing and went 30 miles. DH is giving credit for that to the HGH. Which mildly pisses me off because I want all the credit, especially for going uphill most of the way back home! ;)
Here's the main study that corrolates GH with increased pregnancy rates.
I actually read the entire insert that came with the Saizen, since I'm oddly excited to be on it. Here's some highlights:
It stimulates skeletal growth, cell growth, and organ growth.
It increases uptake of amino acids.
It can decrease body fat (still hoping this is a side effect -- but doubting 8 days will have an impact).
It's contraindicated if you have a malignancy (guess it helps tumors grow big and strong).
It can impact the metabolism of cortisol (interesting esp. since cortisol is apparently toxic to eggs & embryos -- but I'm not quite sure how it impacts it).
Overdose can lead to hypoglycemia or giganticism (freaky, nothing better get giant, especially not my feet which at size 10 on my 5'4" frame are already giant).
At my U/S today, the tech measured 9 follicles, 7 of which were over 10mm. Things are happening fast. I wonder if my body didn't have some left-over effect from cycling just 2 months ago.
On the home front, DH's niece (18) and nephew (16) came to visit us today from FL and are staying a week. And I have a nice, 5-day weekend to spend time with them. So it'll be nice to have a distraction from what my body is or isn't doing. And very nice to be off of work during a stim cycle, for once!
Here's Sarah McLachlan with Fumbling Towards Ecstacy.
All the fear has left me now I’m not frightened anymore It’s my heart that pounds beneath my flesh It’s my mouth that pushes out this breath
Good thing I didn't commit to NaComLeavMo this month. I've been a horrendous commenter, too many trips and distractions. Maybe the big commenting month should be in January not June!! I am very very happy for all of my newly pregnant blogging buddies, your successes bring me joy and give me hope.
I got back from Wisconsin on Monday. I also got AF on Monday. As much as I promise myself I won't be surprised, I have still had this feeling like I'm going to regurgitate all of my internal organs ever since I took a HPT on Saturday morning. I had a mini-meltdown at the wedding. Partially because I found out that a person I had been very close to for a long time had recently passed away. And I guess partially because of the BFN. And partially because of the bourbon I slammed. This fertility mumbo jumbo is affecting my emotional balance more than I want to admit.
My dumb-ass SATC wedding moment came right after I heard the news of the death, when I gently excused myself, walked down the steps towards the ladie's room, and let out a big sob as I was coming down the steps. This also happened to be mere seconds before the bride and groom were being announced. Instead of walking up the steps together, the groom ran up alone, went to the bar, got me a glass of water, and ran back down, while my friend watched in horror. I am SOOOO not a drama queen, and making a mess of the intro was just an embarrasing and ill-timed event. My DH was also at the bottom of the steps. He gave me a very kindly worded talk of how this was a wedding, not a funeral, and how I'd have to postpone my mourning for my friend's sake. I knew he was right, of course, but my emotions had got the best of me. He drove me to buy visine, I fixed my makeup, and went back in an hour later with my party smile and my dancing mojo.
Today I went to see Dr. Surrey for a regroup. I wasn't sure if I was going to even schedule it, even though he requested me to, because I didn't want to hear him say I'm a lost cause. But he didn't say that. Here's my Q&A with him. His responses aren't word for word, of course, but the thought is there.
Me: Do you think my last cycle, with two lead follicles, is indicative of a future decreased response to meds, or do you think it was a fluke?
Dr. S: It's hard to say, and we can retest ovarian reserve, but I doubt if your fertility has decreased that drastically in less than a year, considering your good response to meds the time prior.
Me: If I get my ovarian reserve tests done today, would they be skewed since I just did a medicated cycle?
Dr. S: No, it shouldn't matter.
Me: Do you use human growth hormone in your protocols?
Dr. S: No, Dr. Schoolcraft had used it in a study a while back, but we don't use it since it's not approved by the FDA for infertility.
Me: Do you use DHEA in your protocols?
Dr. S: No, there are studies that have shown it to be effective, but they are not the best studies, they didn't use controls, and they had small numbers of patients.
Me: Would you recommend a change in protocol if I cycle again?
Dr. S: Yes, I'd want to try antagonist with estrogen priming.
Me: What is estrogen priming? I've read about it but am not clear on it.
Dr. S: We give the patient estrogen for a month prior to the IVF cycle. The estrogen primes the ovarian FSH receptors and increases response, and also avoids a situation of lead follicles
Me: Would it make sense to do something like stim a woman every 3 months, do a retrieval, do PGS, freeze them, and save up the embies for one transfer of only the best?
Dr. S: It could be done, but you have the expense of drugs, plus the expense of PGS each time. We have done this type of thing with eggs for women who aren't ready to have a baby yet, but not with embryos for women who are.
Me: How long would you recommend I wait before trying again?
Dr. S: You could try in two months. Normally we wait three, but since you didn't go through the whole thing, you could do two.
Me: My husband is still not sold on donor eggs, but if we'd decide to go that route, how long would it reasonably take to find a donor with blonde hair and blue eyes?
Dr. S: It seems to be cyclical the types of women that we get. For a while we were getting a lot, but there haven't been a lot lately. You may be better off going through a service than through our program for that. You may have to wait six months.
Me: I'd like to try again with my own eggs, and then talk donor eggs.
Dr. S: Yes, I'd recommend that, I think you should try again with your own eggs.
Whew! I didn't expect that. I thought I was a total IVF flunkie as far as CCRM was concerned. I had the ovarian reserve retested after the meeting. Lab fee was $490, ouch. I've heard that testing immediately after a medicated cycle skews the numbers -- Dr. Swanson had told me it would, but Dr. S said it would not. But I was so damn curious that I couldn't help myself, I have to find out ASAP.
I wasn't sure if I should cycle with CCRM in 2 months or Conceptions in 4 months. I went to Conceptions to have a baseline DHEA test too today. I'm a total IVF junkie now. And indecisive. The looks of the lab at Conceptions wierded me out. I'm wondering if their office in N. Denver metro is a bit more modern, but this one is small.
DH thinks I should go to CCRM. The cost for us will be about $5K due to their lab and surgery center being out of network. Conceptions would be practically free -- copays only -- maybe $300. My gut is telling me to try with Surrey though since he's letting me. Because they SEEM better. Even though both docs are really good. Thing is, I'd have to start the estrogen TODAY. I have an RX waiting for me at the pharmacy RIGHT NOW. Should I or shouldn't I....that's the question.
I talked to the nurse at Dr. Swanson and asked her if they do estrogen priming as part of the antagonist protocol. She said no, they used to, but they weren't getting a good response.
It's very hard to make a decision, each doc has their own way of doing things, and each thinks his way is the best way. Really I know my eggs matter more than any other factor in the mix. But still, I want to make the very best decision.
I looked into your eyes They told me plenty I already knew
Today I chatted with Dr. Swanson, the head RE at Conceptions. A prior patient of his told me that he used to be partners with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM...haven't had that info confirmed but it's interesting.
He verified my IF history and he said sounds like an egg problem due to age, which I knew. His plan: first, in July, he'll retest my day 3 FSH, E2, AMH, and LH. These numbers indicate ovarian reserve. He won't check these numbers in June because they may be skewed due to my recent stim cycle. If my numbers are poor, then he will not be willing to take me on as an IVF patient, but if my numbers are acceptable, then he will. My last FSH was 7.4, which is good, but that was last August. I know I'm at an age where ovarian reserve can take a nose dive, but I'm hopeful that mine is still in his acceptable range.
If I pass the initiation blood test, then he has a plan to get PLENTY of eggs. He wants to:
Up my amps of Menopur from 2 to 3 or 4 per day
Add growth hormone. There is some evidence that this improves the live birth rate.
Go back to an antagonist protocol. That's what I did the first time. Microdose flare has the potential for causing leading follicles which is what I just experienced.
No BCPs. This is standard for them for antagonist protocols.
Use Letrosol as a lead-in, which releases a surge of FSH & LH.
Go back to Bravelle instead of Gonal-F. Bravelle is natural, Gonal-F is synthetic.
Take DHEA for 3 months prior to the cycle. Studies have shown that this increases follicular count.
Continue acupuncture.
The cycle wouldn't take place until August / September to give me 3 months of DHEA. He said my chances of success are 10-20%. Not great. I guess my past failures say a lot because his success rates for the age group of 35 - 37 are 68%. I feel very grateful that he'd be willing to take me on, knowing that I am statistically not a clear winner. If my numbers report well, I'm going for it. Seems like a big risk except that, #1, insurance pays, #2, looks like it may be my last grain of hope, albeit a teeny-tiny grain, and #3, time is going to pass anyway, so it can't HURT anything.
I fear I have nothing to give I have so much to lose I have nothing to give We have so much to lose...
These song titles are way too easy to relate to infertility.
My IUI is scheduled for Monday morning. Then I hop on a plane. No bed rest, no special doctor's orders. I've never done an IUI before, so it's a bit of a novelty to me. I had a pre-surgery check-up with Dr. G yesterday, just in case Dr. S. recommended retrieval, and so I bombarded the poor guy with questions. He looked tired. I asked him if he would recommend an IUI given my circumstances (2 lead follicles). He said, your chances are about equivalent with an IUI and an IVF. I asked if he thought a lower number of mature eggs at trigger meant better quality. He said no.
My biggest fear now is that my fertility jumped off a 14'er in the last 7 months. My last IVF wasn't too shameful. This one, however, is not impressive, in a "you absolutely, positively need donor eggs" sort of way. I have feelings of embarrassment as I talk to the nurse and doc now, as if I have failed them. As if I should have known, given my age, that my body would not be super responsive indefinitely.
I fear that the fact that some of my meds had an expiration date of June 08 means that they went bad. And, I fear that that's not the case.
I fear that this is as good as it's gonna get with stimm drugs from now on.
I fear that God is punishing me for putting work before motherhood.
<Is this as fun for you as it is for me, dear reader? I fear my readers are going to start charging me for reading this and providing therapy to an in-denial, over-the-hill IVF'er, LOL.>
I fear that I've made mistakes down this road. For my first IVF, I went to an oddball, sub-par, two-man-show (OBGYN + embryologist) in FL. The doc was super nice, but he had a policy, due to religious reasons, to only fertilize as many eggs as you want to put back. I had 18 retrieved, so 16 were just tossed from the get-go. I was a year younger then, so some of those may have been my lottery tickets to mom-hood. His embryologist insisted on being paid cash and had a huge "save the squirrels" farm in Lakeland, FL. No lies. In my defense, I went to these guys because they had gotten a 41-yo friend of mine prego with twins with her own eggs. At the time I didn’t realize how much luck was involved there. But she put back 6 embies. I didn't know to put back more than two embies. I didn’t know that other REs fertilize the whole batch of eggs and watch them all. I didn't know about acupuncture use for IF. I didn't know about blogs. There is so, so much that I didn't know about IVF.
I fear that I waited too long between IVFs 2 & 3. A lot can happen in 7 months. For anyone reading this who is over 35 and thinking of taking a long break, I'd urge you to not do it. I think it was a mistake. I know it takes some major pushing, but I urge you to push yourself.
A week from Tuesday, I have an appointment with Dr. Swanson from Conceptions. Because I suspect the CCRM Dr. S's won't let me do IVF with my own eggs anymore. I’ll do a follow-up consult with Dr. Su as requested but that’s what I’m expecting to hear. Thing is, I have about $40K of IF insurance left, so I'm hoping that some doctor will let me try longer. (I hesitate to write this because I know so many don't have insurance. But I'd trade anyone, any day, $ for better eggs of my own! And trust me, I am not rich.) Even if I have to fly out to NY or Vegas or somewhere else to go to another clinic, I'd like to use every penny of it, if only to be able to say I tried every which way I could with the funds I was fortunate enough to have available to me. Maybe I'll try the whole Chinese herb thing, get my spleen chi in balance. I'm thinking to give treatments another year and perhaps at the same time, pursue adoption. With adoption, GS only wants to do it if we can get a baby who otherwise wouldn’t have much of a chance, like an orphan from another country. With donor eggs, GS isn’t on board at all. I am, quite frankly, open to anything -- DEs, domestic, foreign, older, younger, crack baby. Seriously. I think. As long as I can put a kid in daycare, since I have to earn money to feed the kid and all.
And ya, there's like a 10% chance or something the IUI will work. So there's that. But with those chances, I've got to be pragmatic.
I can tell you this, if I have a daughter via birth or adoption, I am going to have her freeze plenty of her eggs as soon as she's old enough.
My husband brought a CD with him to Naples with a bunch of pictures we've taken since we've moved to Denver, so he could show his family. Mostly of beautiful places we've been, but also of our home and dogs. When he showed them to his uncle yesterday, he told me, his uncle said if he sees one more dog picture, he's going to bark. Looks like I'm already a weird dog lady. I want to at least get a chance to be a weird mama.
Through this world I stumble So many times betrayed Trying to find an honest word to find the truth enslaved Oh, you speak to me in riddles and you speak to me in rhymes My body aches to breathe your breath Your words keep me alive
My eggs may remain in my possession this cycle. No I haven't built an embryology lab in the basement. Although with what I and my insurance company have now paid for IVFs, perhaps I could have.
My cycle may get canceled or converted to IUI because I have two follies that are much larger than the rest. The logic is that If only 30% or less of my eggs are good, DNA-wise, then retrieving 2 doesn't make statistical or financial sense. I'll see how tomorrow's U/S goes and then see what the doctor says. The nurse said that if I do proceed with IVF, they could either go for retrieving the two big ones, or stimm me longer and get the smaller ones, but they don't tend to go with the second approach because the longer you stimm, the lower quality the embies tend to be.
I am doing some research on when it's ideal to do the trigger shot. CCRM orders it when 4 embies reach 1.9 - 2.0. However, this study shows that for women > 35 doing a microdose flare protocol (which I am), it's better to give the HCG trigger when the 2 leading follicles are < 18mm. Pregnancy rate was 45% versus 17%. Last IVF they triggered me a day late to fit into their criteria, wonder if morphology issues would have been decreased had they triggered me on the planned day.
Thanks for the support on my marital spat. I think you all made me feel so good that by the time I talked to GS, I wasn't even mad anymore. When we finally talked yesterday, he had been out with friends and was in a great mood and I didn't want to ruin it, especially over the phone long distance. I'm chalking the argument up to the fact that he's visiting his parents and had elevated anxiety. Last time we saw his dad was at Christmas and we left Baltimore 4 days early due to his dad's drunken tirade and they haven't spoken since. I guess given that and my hormones, he can have a free pass.
I just talked to my MIL on the phone, she knows I'm staying home on this trip because I'm trying to get pregnant, but she doesn't know details. She asked, "do you feel pregnant?" I just said, not yet.
