Fumbling Towards Eggstacy

Waiting Patiently (Not Really)

Ten more days until our ultrasound to look for a fetal pole and yolk sac and heartbeat.  DH says "you know you got a kid in there."  Since he's already told a lot of people, he's sure it's gonna happen.  Which is a good thing, it's helping me avoid seriously crazy anxiety.  No avoiding mild anxiety though, that's part of everyday life and probably will be for months.

I am still nauseous, still sleepy (took a 4-hour nap today), and increasingly light-headed.  Every time I get up from sitting or lying down, I black out.  I'm trying to exercise 30 min. every day, but it's harder than ever to get motivated.

Tomorrow I leave for Tampa for a week for work.  I'm anxious about being in an office for four days straight, with no spare bedroom nearby where I can take a little nap (a big plus of working from home -- I can nap and then just extend my day whenever needed).  My strategy for my business trip is to avoid restaurants and only order room service so I can maximize my available sleeping time.  I'm desperately hoping none of my co-workers find me crashed out over my keyboard.  I'm even hoping for a hurricane day, since a Cat 1 is headed for FL.

I want to thank Megfor hosting a brunch for the CO Bloggers.  It is so awesome that this group of ladies gets together to support each other.  I feel a strong sisterhood to them and want loads of happiness and success for everyone in the group.

Which brings me to this wonderful phenomena that I am experiencing lately -- I am very happy and positive (and yes it's possible to be happy and anxious at the same time).  I am in love with my husband more than ever and basically happy with the whole world.  Maybe it's the estrogen, or being on a promising track to mom-hood, or the big raise I got (yay!). 

DH made me stuffed peppers for dinner and is feeding me the left-over one right now as I sit on the couch and write.  Soooo good.

He cracks me up lately, he likes to exclaim several times a day, "You WANT to have my baby!" with that "nan-nanny-boo-boo" sing-songy effect.

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Phoebe tagged me to write 6 random things about myself.  Since I've been thinking lately of who I am, who I used to be, and who I'm going to be, I'll let you know a bit about where I've been.

1.  I used to moonlight as an adjunct professor at Eckerd College, a private college in St. Pete, teaching programing.  It was a ton of work and a great experience and made me highly value teachers and all the work they put into planning class.

2.  I was in the Junior Woman's Club for six years.  One year as pres. of my club.  One year I won "Junior of the Year" for the state of FL, thanks to a well-written nomination by a friend.  I got big into volunteerism after my first marriage ended, and it was a great way to stay busy and feel good about life.

3.  I haven't changed a diaper for over 20 years, but I used to babysit A LOT when I was 13, 14, & 15.  I'm thinking it all comes back. like riding a bike.  Right?!

4.  I didn't have much desire to have a baby with my first husband, partially because he was 6'7" and the thought of having a giant child really freaked me out. 

5.  I was a "Big Sister" in Big Brothers Big Sisters for many years.  Both in Wisconsin and in Florida.  It is a great experience if you've never done it.  I'm going to do it here in Colorado too, and have training planned for next month.

6.  I never had a dog until age 28, and now I'm a total dog person.  I grew up with cats and fish and turtles.  Now I never want to be without a dog (or two) again.

I still have to tag folks to play this game -- I promise to do this next post.

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Quote of the Day:

The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
- Allan K. Chalmers
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Google Searches:

When I get a chance, I want to write a nice long post on estrogen priming, since many people who find my blog via a Google search are searching for info on that topic.  For now, let me say that it the protocol was effective for me -- it avoided a situation of leading follicles.

Two of the more amusing search terms that have found me lately are:  "going to an amusement park before IUI" and "in 2WW can't stop eating."

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

Here's Sarah McLachlan with Fumbling Towards Ecstacy.

All the fear has left me now
I’m not frightened anymore
It’s my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
It’s my mouth that pushes out this breath

Good thing I didn't commit to NaComLeavMo this month.  I've been a horrendous commenter, too many trips and distractions.  Maybe the big commenting month should be in January not June!!  I am very very happy for all of my newly pregnant blogging buddies, your successes bring me joy and give me hope.

I got back from Wisconsin on Monday.  I also got AF on Monday.  As much as I promise myself I won't be surprised, I have still had this feeling like I'm going to regurgitate all of my internal organs ever since I took a HPT on Saturday morning.  I had a mini-meltdown at the wedding.  Partially because I found out that a person I had been very close to for a long time had recently passed away.  And I guess partially because of the BFN.  And partially because of the bourbon I slammed.  This fertility mumbo jumbo is affecting my emotional balance more than I want to admit. 

My dumb-ass SATC wedding moment came right after I heard the news of the death, when I gently excused myself, walked down the steps towards the ladie's room, and let out a big sob as I was coming down the steps.  This also happened to be mere seconds before the bride and groom were being announced.  Instead of walking up the steps together, the groom ran up alone, went to the bar, got me a glass of water, and ran back down, while my friend watched in horror.  I am SOOOO not a drama queen, and making a mess of the intro was just an embarrasing and ill-timed event.  My DH was also at the bottom of the steps.  He gave me a very kindly worded talk of how this was a wedding, not a funeral, and how I'd have to postpone my mourning for my friend's sake.  I knew he was right, of course, but my emotions had got the best of me.  He drove me to buy visine, I fixed my makeup, and went back in an hour later with my party smile and my dancing mojo.

Today I went to see Dr. Surrey for a regroup.  I wasn't sure if I was going to even schedule it, even though he requested me to, because I didn't want to hear him say I'm a lost cause.  But he didn't say that.  Here's my Q&A with him.  His responses aren't word for word, of course, but the thought is there.

Me:  Do you think my last cycle, with two lead follicles, is indicative of a future decreased response to meds, or do you think it was a fluke? 

Dr. S:  It's hard to say, and we can retest ovarian reserve, but I doubt if your fertility has decreased that drastically in less than a year, considering your good response to meds the time prior.

Me:  If I get my ovarian reserve tests done today, would they be skewed since I just did a medicated cycle?

Dr. S:  No, it shouldn't matter.

Me:  Do you use human growth hormone in your protocols?

Dr. S:  No, Dr. Schoolcraft had used it in a study a while back, but we don't use it since it's not approved by the FDA for infertility.

Me:  Do you use DHEA in your protocols?

Dr. S:  No, there are studies that have shown it to be effective, but they are not the best studies, they didn't use controls, and they had small numbers of patients.

Me:  Would you recommend a change in protocol if I cycle again?

Dr. S:  Yes, I'd want to try antagonist with estrogen priming.

Me:  What is estrogen priming?  I've read about it but am not clear on it.

Dr. S:  We give the patient estrogen for a month prior to the IVF cycle.  The estrogen primes the ovarian FSH receptors and increases response, and also avoids a situation of lead follicles

Me:  Would it make sense to do something like stim a woman every 3 months, do a retrieval, do PGS, freeze them, and save up the embies for one transfer of only the best?

Dr. S:  It could be done, but you have the expense of drugs, plus the expense of PGS each time.  We have done this type of thing with eggs for women who aren't ready to have a baby yet, but not with embryos for women who are.

Me:  How long would you recommend I wait before trying again? 

Dr. S:  You could try in two months.  Normally we wait three, but since you didn't go through the whole thing, you could do two.

Me:  My husband is still not sold on donor eggs, but if we'd decide to go that route, how long would it reasonably take to find a donor with blonde hair and blue eyes?

Dr. S:  It seems to be cyclical the types of women that we get.  For a while we were getting a lot, but there haven't been a lot lately.  You may be better off going through a service than through our program for that.  You may have to wait six months.

Me:  I'd like to try again with my own eggs, and then talk donor eggs.

Dr. S:  Yes, I'd recommend that, I think you should try again with your own eggs.

Whew!  I didn't expect that.  I thought I was a total IVF flunkie as far as CCRM was concerned.  I had the ovarian reserve retested after the meeting.  Lab fee was $490, ouch.  I've heard that testing immediately after a medicated cycle skews the numbers -- Dr. Swanson had told me it would, but Dr. S said it would not.  But I was so damn curious that I couldn't help myself, I have to find out ASAP.

I wasn't sure if I should cycle with CCRM in 2 months or Conceptions in 4 months.  I went to Conceptions to have a baseline DHEA test too today.  I'm a total IVF junkie now.  And indecisive.  The looks of the lab at Conceptions wierded me out.  I'm wondering if their office in N. Denver metro is a bit more modern, but this one is small.

DH thinks I should go to CCRM.  The cost for us will be about $5K due to their lab and surgery center being out of network.  Conceptions would be practically free -- copays only -- maybe $300.  My gut is telling me to try with Surrey though since he's letting me.  Because they SEEM better.  Even though both docs are really good.  Thing is, I'd have to start the estrogen TODAY.  I have an RX waiting for me at the pharmacy RIGHT NOW.  Should I or shouldn't I....that's the question.

I talked to the nurse at Dr. Swanson and asked her if they do estrogen priming as part of the antagonist protocol.  She said no, they used to, but they weren't getting a good response.

It's very hard to make a decision, each doc has their own way of doing things, and each thinks his way is the best way.  Really I know my eggs matter more than any other factor in the mix.  But still, I want to make the very best decision.