This is a log of my efforts to have children in my late 30s. I started this journey at age 35 and am now 39 and trying for a second child. My first successful pregnancy was at age 37 after 3 IVFs, 1 medicated IUI, 1 miscarriage, and 3 Reproductive Endocrinologists.
My beautiful daughter -- my dream come true -- is now one year old and walking. She loves swimming class, strawberries, yogurt, dogs, books, peekaboo (this somehow hasn't gotten old yet), sitting on dad's shoulders, going down slides (and trying to go back up), and the Upsidedown Show (a family fave). I am truly in heaven to have such a joyous child in my life. (and my husband likes her too).
If it weren't for my struggle in having her I'm not sure I would soak up each moment with her to the same extent. I do doubt that I could ever love another child as much as I love her. But even with that doubt I am certain I could love another child and make room in my life if blessed to that extent.
So now I'm ready to give it another go. Here's a run down of my efforts:
I verified that I have insurance money left for another IVF. I do, thank goodness.
I met with Dr. Swanson at Conceptions two weeks ago and he ordered blood tests and an U/S.
FSH is 9.0 which is good. Two years ago it was 10.4 (lower is better - doc wants to see <10). Although you're only as good as your highest #.
E2 (estradiol) is 28, it just needs to be < 80.
LH was 5, just needs to be <= FSH.
Resting follicle count was 13 and probably even more that the tech couldn't see (the nurse said they are happy to see 10).
I get my AMH # in another week and get my Day 10 FSH checked next week.
I've been doing acupuncture, taking herbs, taking heavy duty liquid vitamins.
I'm doing clomid starting today just so I don't "waste a month" of eggs while I'm still in my 30s. Dr. S gave it less than a 5% chance of working and I'm fully aware it probably won't work but hey what the heck.
I'm considering taking bee pollen & royal jelly to improve egg quality but am scared of anaphlactic shock!! Also I haven't started taking CoQ-10 or L-Arginine or L-Carnitine but they're all sitting right here on my desk staring me in the face.
I asked about taking growth hormone with just a clomid/IUI cycle and doc says he won't prescribe because there are no studies to back it up. Because of my age myeggs may have hard shells which means they won't fertilize unless [a] growth hormone is used to make them better quality (which I think means softer shells too) or [b] ICSI is done where the embryologist actually punctures the shell of the egg and injects a single sperm. This helps because even the heartiest sperm may not be able to puncture the shell left to its own devices.
My biggest challenge is that Dr. S wants me to stop breastfeeding. I never thought I'd go this long (13 months) but here I am. DD shows no signs of wanting to stop and the more I read about BF the more I'm fine with going longer. However with IVF drugs it's not recommended, and BF may lower the chance of getting pregnant, IVF or otherwise. But DD is down to just twice a day and doc checked my Prolactin. If it is low it may not interfere too much. But he still says stop.
No idea if anyone reads this anymore but I need somewhere to capture all this data so it might as well be here!!
This post is in response to a reader comment/question. I know a lot of you bloggers choose to not name doctor or practice names in your blogs. I personally have no rule against it. I figure this is my experience, and since this country blesses me with freedom of speech, I'm happy to share my experience. Of course it is just that -- one person's experience. But isn't that part of why we read blogs -- to know other people's experiences? To not just see a number on the CDC website, but to know other women and what they went through. So for that valuable benefit, here you are.
Why I went to Conceptions instead of CCRM for my fourth cycle:
1. A woman I met at a Christmas party last year told me she had twins at age 42 with Dr. Swanson with her own eggs after 4 IVFs. Her boys were at the party with her, they were about two years old, and adorable, and she was a very happy mom. She told me about Dr. Swanson and how he used to be partners with Dr. Schoolcraft and how wonderful he was.
2. I know another woman -- another blogger -- who went to Conceptions, is a little older than me, and had success. So that inspired me. She told me how their embryologists are A++ and pointed out that the stats are similar to CCRM. I looked it up and sure enough they are.
3. I was severly frustrated with the way CCRM was handling some of my finances, as they owed (and still owe) me about $2K from my cycle Oct/Nov 2007. I have an attorney working to get me my money back.
4. CCRM had made my husband and I upset during our first try at IVF #3. I had converted to IUI after taking the requisite $5K worth of fertility drugs for a typical low-responder IVF cycle. On the planned IUI day, my husband was waiting in the waiting room at CCRM with his contribution on a weekend day, and they had called me and said he hadn't shown up. Apparently they expected him to know he had to go down to the basement floor, even though there was nobody at the front desk who told him that. So they sent him home and said we couldn't do the procedure due to time constraints in their lab. When my husband got home, we were both in shock that we couldn't go through with the procedure after all the expense and effort of taking the fertility drugs. They did call me at home about 90 minutes later, apologized, and said they could do it afterall, which they did. But the initial turn-away put a bad taste in our mouths.
5. I consulted with Dr. Swanson at Conceptions and I really liked him. He is smart and personable and direct and offered intriguing ways that he could change my protocol to help me out. I liked how he recommended Human Growth Hormone. I liked how he referenced studies and had printouts of them piled up behind his desk and pulled out specific ones to show me as we spoke.
6. A few days after consulting with Dr. Swanson, I asked Dr. Surrey if he would be willing to give me Human Growth Hormone and he said no, reason being that the FDA hadn't approved it for use for infertility. But after researching it, I very much wanted to use it. And it was very clear which doctor would give me the drug and which would not.
7. Everyone at Conceptions is super nice. It's a small, personal practice. Their office is a friendly and comfortable place -- not fancy or expensive, but welcoming. I didn't feel like a number or a nuisance like I did sometimes at CCRM. Although there were some really sweet people at CCRM, in general, the health care workers at CCRM seemed overworked and stressed and didn't have sufficient time to answer questions. On the other hand, the nurse at Conceptions seemed happy and had time to answer my questions and didn't seem hurried or stressed at all. In my opinion, if health care workers at a practice are kind and happy and spend quality time with patients, then their bosses -- the docs -- are probably very nice to them and make it a priority to make their staffs happy. Which in turn makes the patients happy and provides for a much more positive experience.
8. Last but not least -- I think it's a good idea to try a different clinic if you're not having success with your clinic -- even if your clinic is world-renowned. Sometimes just a different pair of eyes looking at your chart and tweaking your protocol is the difference between a heartbreak and a world of happiness.
Today was the day we've been waiting for -- needless to say I've been geeking about this appointment big time, because last time I got pregnant and got to this point, there was no baby after all. I was quiet all the way to the doc's office, preparing mentally for the same result.
Well now I can stop geeking. Very lucky for us, today there was....a baby! He/she measured at 6 weeks 6 days and the tech said that's fine. I stared in disbelief. DH was there, and he kept saying, "NOW can you be happy?" I said, not until I know the heart rate. It was 122. I said, "NOW I can be happy!" =)
Afterwards, we talked to Dr. Swanson. We told him how happy we were with his care, especially after all we had been through at other clinics. DH told him we wanted to get a little statue made of him for our house. LOL.
We went to breakfast to celebrate. I've been in shock actually -- after YEARS AND YEARS of trying, it finally worked. I have to rearrange a lot of files in my brain -- the files on donor eggs and adoption can now be put way in the back of the drawer. The files on what to buy and how to prepare can now be opened. I feel safe enough to even use the P word. I think. DH made me say it out loud a few times -- "I'm pregnant and I'm having a baby in April." It didn't feel natural to say. God how infertility fucks up the brain.
I've read that after seeing the heartbeat, miscarriage chances go down to anywhere from 4 - 16%, depending what you read and if they take into consideration age and past failures.
Oh yeah -- we had a vanishing twin. It had a yolk sac but it measured less than 6 weeks so it won't have a chance to develop into a baby. I don't feel sad about it because, after all, I've had dozens of little embies not make it over the years. Maybe all that practice with loss has made me numb. But one little flashing light on the screen is what I wanted, and I got exactly what I wanted.
I haven't blogged for a long time -- actually I drafted some posts but they all focused so much on puking and I just couldn't share that loveliness with you all. These days, it's hard to think of much other than “I’m going to puke!” and “what should I eat?” and "when can I sleep next?" I'm managing to have an appetite for eggs and dairy but not much else. Perhaps I’m gestating a baby cow or a baby chicken instead of a baby human. Wouldn’t that be a shocker in the delivery room. I forced myself to eat chicken a few times, but I felt like a one-year-old at the dinner table -- took a bite, made a face, thought about spitting it out, sat there for a few minutes while looking at the remaining food in disdain, started the cycle over again.
My first OB appointment is next Wednesday. I want an elective c-section but apparently they are not too popular in Denver. Guess it's all the natural thinking. In Florida they were pretty common. I want a baby but don't want to actually go through childbirth. Call me crazy. Well if anyone knows of a doc who absolutely will or won't do it, pls let me know. For now I'm set to go to a practice that works out of Lutheran Hospital because we're looking to buy a house near Golden before the birth.
Next on my to-do list is to send thank-you's to all the people who helped me get this far. So that goes for all of my readers as well -- THANK YOU VERY MUCH for all of your wonderful support and comments, they helped me so so much and gave me strength. Your kind words are very much appreciated.
My ER was today, with 10 eggs retrieved. Not bad considering that on our last try at IVF#3, in March, I never made it to ER due to two leading follices, and cycle was converted to an IUI. This time around, I was officially acepted by my new RE as an IUI patient with the option to convert to IVF if I had at least 4 follies, due to my "poor history," so I trumped the 4-follie criterion.
I had a 6:30 a.m. conference call for work, and then woke up DH at 7:30 a.m. He was up til 2 a.m. last night chatting with his niece and nephew after we all went to see the Police at Red Rocks (great show!), and needless to say, was not too excited to be awakened. Of course I think, why does he have to be a grump when we're trying to make a baby. But then I figure, it's not like he was up late drinking -- he was up late being a very cool uncle to two teenagers who love him to death. And anyway, he cheered up once we got to the doc. Being a health care worker himself, he always goes out of his way to make the health care workers smile because he knows what it's like to be in their shoes.
Things were quite a bit different at Conceptions compared with CCRM. At Conceptions today, I was the only ER patient of the day. When I had my last ER -- with CCRM back in November 07 -- I was the 12th, and last, patient of the day and was wheeled out to my car in the dark. Seems like the fact that they have only my eggies to focus on today is a good thing.
Tomorrow we'll get the fertilization report, and on Friday (day 2) the embryologist will be able to tell us if it's a 3-day or 5-day transfer. At that point (day 2), the embies should be at the 2- or 4- cell stage. Should be interesting to see what embryo quality is since last time we had high fragmentation. With 4 straight months of 2x/week acupuncture, and HGH, I'm hoping for better quality. The criteria for day 3 versus day 5 transfer is that, if > 4 look good on day 2, then they plan a day 5 transfer. I prefer a day 3 regardless of what they look like on day 2, but I'll wait to see what they look like before putting my foot down. No sense being adamant now about going against their preferred ways of doing things if I'll only have a few good ones anyway.
I'm happy that on transfer day, the embryologist is going to have a full size pic of every embryo for us to look at. I've never got to see pictures before. My first embryologist, in Tampa, said that taking pictures was bad for the embryos. The current embryologist says that's not the case.
Not much to do now other than send those little embies happy thoughts.
Here's Sarah McLachlan with Fumbling Towards Ecstacy.
All the fear has left me now I’m not frightened anymore It’s my heart that pounds beneath my flesh It’s my mouth that pushes out this breath
Good thing I didn't commit to NaComLeavMo this month. I've been a horrendous commenter, too many trips and distractions. Maybe the big commenting month should be in January not June!! I am very very happy for all of my newly pregnant blogging buddies, your successes bring me joy and give me hope.
I got back from Wisconsin on Monday. I also got AF on Monday. As much as I promise myself I won't be surprised, I have still had this feeling like I'm going to regurgitate all of my internal organs ever since I took a HPT on Saturday morning. I had a mini-meltdown at the wedding. Partially because I found out that a person I had been very close to for a long time had recently passed away. And I guess partially because of the BFN. And partially because of the bourbon I slammed. This fertility mumbo jumbo is affecting my emotional balance more than I want to admit.
My dumb-ass SATC wedding moment came right after I heard the news of the death, when I gently excused myself, walked down the steps towards the ladie's room, and let out a big sob as I was coming down the steps. This also happened to be mere seconds before the bride and groom were being announced. Instead of walking up the steps together, the groom ran up alone, went to the bar, got me a glass of water, and ran back down, while my friend watched in horror. I am SOOOO not a drama queen, and making a mess of the intro was just an embarrasing and ill-timed event. My DH was also at the bottom of the steps. He gave me a very kindly worded talk of how this was a wedding, not a funeral, and how I'd have to postpone my mourning for my friend's sake. I knew he was right, of course, but my emotions had got the best of me. He drove me to buy visine, I fixed my makeup, and went back in an hour later with my party smile and my dancing mojo.
Today I went to see Dr. Surrey for a regroup. I wasn't sure if I was going to even schedule it, even though he requested me to, because I didn't want to hear him say I'm a lost cause. But he didn't say that. Here's my Q&A with him. His responses aren't word for word, of course, but the thought is there.
Me: Do you think my last cycle, with two lead follicles, is indicative of a future decreased response to meds, or do you think it was a fluke?
Dr. S: It's hard to say, and we can retest ovarian reserve, but I doubt if your fertility has decreased that drastically in less than a year, considering your good response to meds the time prior.
Me: If I get my ovarian reserve tests done today, would they be skewed since I just did a medicated cycle?
Dr. S: No, it shouldn't matter.
Me: Do you use human growth hormone in your protocols?
Dr. S: No, Dr. Schoolcraft had used it in a study a while back, but we don't use it since it's not approved by the FDA for infertility.
Me: Do you use DHEA in your protocols?
Dr. S: No, there are studies that have shown it to be effective, but they are not the best studies, they didn't use controls, and they had small numbers of patients.
Me: Would you recommend a change in protocol if I cycle again?
Dr. S: Yes, I'd want to try antagonist with estrogen priming.
Me: What is estrogen priming? I've read about it but am not clear on it.
Dr. S: We give the patient estrogen for a month prior to the IVF cycle. The estrogen primes the ovarian FSH receptors and increases response, and also avoids a situation of lead follicles
Me: Would it make sense to do something like stim a woman every 3 months, do a retrieval, do PGS, freeze them, and save up the embies for one transfer of only the best?
Dr. S: It could be done, but you have the expense of drugs, plus the expense of PGS each time. We have done this type of thing with eggs for women who aren't ready to have a baby yet, but not with embryos for women who are.
Me: How long would you recommend I wait before trying again?
Dr. S: You could try in two months. Normally we wait three, but since you didn't go through the whole thing, you could do two.
Me: My husband is still not sold on donor eggs, but if we'd decide to go that route, how long would it reasonably take to find a donor with blonde hair and blue eyes?
Dr. S: It seems to be cyclical the types of women that we get. For a while we were getting a lot, but there haven't been a lot lately. You may be better off going through a service than through our program for that. You may have to wait six months.
Me: I'd like to try again with my own eggs, and then talk donor eggs.
Dr. S: Yes, I'd recommend that, I think you should try again with your own eggs.
Whew! I didn't expect that. I thought I was a total IVF flunkie as far as CCRM was concerned. I had the ovarian reserve retested after the meeting. Lab fee was $490, ouch. I've heard that testing immediately after a medicated cycle skews the numbers -- Dr. Swanson had told me it would, but Dr. S said it would not. But I was so damn curious that I couldn't help myself, I have to find out ASAP.
I wasn't sure if I should cycle with CCRM in 2 months or Conceptions in 4 months. I went to Conceptions to have a baseline DHEA test too today. I'm a total IVF junkie now. And indecisive. The looks of the lab at Conceptions wierded me out. I'm wondering if their office in N. Denver metro is a bit more modern, but this one is small.
DH thinks I should go to CCRM. The cost for us will be about $5K due to their lab and surgery center being out of network. Conceptions would be practically free -- copays only -- maybe $300. My gut is telling me to try with Surrey though since he's letting me. Because they SEEM better. Even though both docs are really good. Thing is, I'd have to start the estrogen TODAY. I have an RX waiting for me at the pharmacy RIGHT NOW. Should I or shouldn't I....that's the question.
I talked to the nurse at Dr. Swanson and asked her if they do estrogen priming as part of the antagonist protocol. She said no, they used to, but they weren't getting a good response.
It's very hard to make a decision, each doc has their own way of doing things, and each thinks his way is the best way. Really I know my eggs matter more than any other factor in the mix. But still, I want to make the very best decision.
I looked into your eyes They told me plenty I already knew
Today I chatted with Dr. Swanson, the head RE at Conceptions. A prior patient of his told me that he used to be partners with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM...haven't had that info confirmed but it's interesting.
He verified my IF history and he said sounds like an egg problem due to age, which I knew. His plan: first, in July, he'll retest my day 3 FSH, E2, AMH, and LH. These numbers indicate ovarian reserve. He won't check these numbers in June because they may be skewed due to my recent stim cycle. If my numbers are poor, then he will not be willing to take me on as an IVF patient, but if my numbers are acceptable, then he will. My last FSH was 7.4, which is good, but that was last August. I know I'm at an age where ovarian reserve can take a nose dive, but I'm hopeful that mine is still in his acceptable range.
If I pass the initiation blood test, then he has a plan to get PLENTY of eggs. He wants to:
Up my amps of Menopur from 2 to 3 or 4 per day
Add growth hormone. There is some evidence that this improves the live birth rate.
Go back to an antagonist protocol. That's what I did the first time. Microdose flare has the potential for causing leading follicles which is what I just experienced.
No BCPs. This is standard for them for antagonist protocols.
Use Letrosol as a lead-in, which releases a surge of FSH & LH.
Go back to Bravelle instead of Gonal-F. Bravelle is natural, Gonal-F is synthetic.
Take DHEA for 3 months prior to the cycle. Studies have shown that this increases follicular count.
Continue acupuncture.
The cycle wouldn't take place until August / September to give me 3 months of DHEA. He said my chances of success are 10-20%. Not great. I guess my past failures say a lot because his success rates for the age group of 35 - 37 are 68%. I feel very grateful that he'd be willing to take me on, knowing that I am statistically not a clear winner. If my numbers report well, I'm going for it. Seems like a big risk except that, #1, insurance pays, #2, looks like it may be my last grain of hope, albeit a teeny-tiny grain, and #3, time is going to pass anyway, so it can't HURT anything.
Sarah McLachlan's Wait. Couldn't find a good video, but the music is still great to read by!
Upfront warning, this is a long one! I haven't blogged for over a week (other than show-and-tell) so gotta catch up!
This upcoming Sunday, the CO Bloggers are getting together to see Sex and the City. I'm bummed that I can't hang out with all these amazing women, as I will be at a friend's wedding If you happen to be in Denver that day and want to join them, send an e-mail to Lori. I didn't wait long after the movie's release and went yesterday to a matinee. It was fantabulous!
The only thing I regret is that I didn't go when I was in Manhattan on Thursday night -- I had a girl's night out that night with work friends, but since one of the women had never been to NYC before, we opted to sightsee, plus we had an early meeting Friday, so a midnight showing would have been hard to manage, BUT it would have been a once-in-a-lifetime blast too. All over Manhattan, there were groups of women looking more stylish than I ever have in my life. I noticed lots of women were wearing bright pink stilettos (is that a thing? Maybe I missed that episode...but I figured, what else could it be for!).
I'm now on Facebook. I was partially inspired by Mel's post Facebookiquette, and partially inspired by all the younger people at my company who are into social networking. Send me an e-mail if you want to find me there.
I am so not wanting to blog about infertility because it reminds me that my story is not leading to a happy ending as quickly as I wished. But here goes.
Our Monday IUI almost didn't happen. For those of you lucky enough to be uninitiated into the IUI routine, husband arrives at set time to give donation, (or he does it at home and then has to keep it warm on the drive there by placing it in the armpit, an imaginably awkward driving position). Then wife arrives 90 minutes later for the insemination.
So, GS was in the RE's office, sample in armpit, and they had him in the waiting room, but apparently the embryologist didn't know he was waiting, so she called me.
Embryologist: Your husband isn't here, if he's not here soon we'll have to cancel.
Me: He should be there by now, he left 40 minutes ago and it's a 10-minute drive. Maybe something happened on his way there (I'm thinking he got pulled over!). Isn't there anything you can do to help us out?
Embryologist transferred me to a nurse.
Me: Is there anything you can do to help us out? What if you thaw our frozen sample?
Nurse: We have to thaw and process and that takes 90 minutes. The earlies we would have you in is 1pm.
Me: I have to jump on a plane that leaves at 3pm. Is there any way you can accommodate us any earlier??!
Nurse: No. We have to cancel you.
Me: Oh. (shocked and speechless)
When they finally realized he was there, they sent him home and told him that I said it was OK. I didn't so much say that.
GS was pissed and swore we would never ever go back to The Palace for anything, no matter what, after that situation. After $4K of injectibles and $600 of acupuncture, mind you. I agreed, but I wasn't in the mood to be upset. We regrouped. GS suggested putting the "sample" in a turkey baster and squeezing it in. Seriously. I'm like, you're kidding, right? He said, no. We settled on trying to do it natural (i.e. no turkey baster), and just then the phone rang. Another nurse called, apologized profusely, and asked if I could come in at 11. I said yes.
When I arrived, the nurse was super nice, super apologetic, and said that the first nurse I'd spoken to didn't realize the situation. I'm so used to the "wham-bam-thank-you-mam" 3-minute ultrasounds, that I was surprised she was super chatty and took her time to make conversation, reiterate their dedication to helping us get pregnant, and apologize about 20 more times.
So that was that.
On the upside, NYC was great. I went out on the town three nights in a row and <holding head down in shame> gave into peer pressure and had a few drinks. I justified it by telling myself that the eggs were already created, and until the embies implant, they don't get any nutrients from my blood. To my credit, I nursed the hell out of my cocktails. It's all for the best, since I can't hold my liquor anyway. I made the mistake of saying the word "titty bar" when describing why I liked Denver better than Tampa (as in, I had to pass five titty bars on my way to work every day in Tampa), and the look on my co-workers' faces made me thankful I wasn't drinking more and saying worse.
In NYC, I called Cornell to see if they couldn't squeeze me in that week for a consult. Since I was there and all. They could not.
Tomorrow is my appointment with Dr. Swanson from Conceptions. It took me four hours on Sunday to gather up all my IF-related medical records and fill out their 20-page new patient forms.
As you can see, I am not considering myself to be in a true 2-week-wait . If only 1 in 10 of my eggs are good, then with only two mature eggs, my chances are 20% at best. So I'm better off emotionally just focusing on the next steps.
I fear I have nothing to give I have so much to lose I have nothing to give We have so much to lose...
These song titles are way too easy to relate to infertility.
My IUI is scheduled for Monday morning. Then I hop on a plane. No bed rest, no special doctor's orders. I've never done an IUI before, so it's a bit of a novelty to me. I had a pre-surgery check-up with Dr. G yesterday, just in case Dr. S. recommended retrieval, and so I bombarded the poor guy with questions. He looked tired. I asked him if he would recommend an IUI given my circumstances (2 lead follicles). He said, your chances are about equivalent with an IUI and an IVF. I asked if he thought a lower number of mature eggs at trigger meant better quality. He said no.
My biggest fear now is that my fertility jumped off a 14'er in the last 7 months. My last IVF wasn't too shameful. This one, however, is not impressive, in a "you absolutely, positively need donor eggs" sort of way. I have feelings of embarrassment as I talk to the nurse and doc now, as if I have failed them. As if I should have known, given my age, that my body would not be super responsive indefinitely.
I fear that the fact that some of my meds had an expiration date of June 08 means that they went bad. And, I fear that that's not the case.
I fear that this is as good as it's gonna get with stimm drugs from now on.
I fear that God is punishing me for putting work before motherhood.
<Is this as fun for you as it is for me, dear reader? I fear my readers are going to start charging me for reading this and providing therapy to an in-denial, over-the-hill IVF'er, LOL.>
I fear that I've made mistakes down this road. For my first IVF, I went to an oddball, sub-par, two-man-show (OBGYN + embryologist) in FL. The doc was super nice, but he had a policy, due to religious reasons, to only fertilize as many eggs as you want to put back. I had 18 retrieved, so 16 were just tossed from the get-go. I was a year younger then, so some of those may have been my lottery tickets to mom-hood. His embryologist insisted on being paid cash and had a huge "save the squirrels" farm in Lakeland, FL. No lies. In my defense, I went to these guys because they had gotten a 41-yo friend of mine prego with twins with her own eggs. At the time I didn’t realize how much luck was involved there. But she put back 6 embies. I didn't know to put back more than two embies. I didn’t know that other REs fertilize the whole batch of eggs and watch them all. I didn't know about acupuncture use for IF. I didn't know about blogs. There is so, so much that I didn't know about IVF.
I fear that I waited too long between IVFs 2 & 3. A lot can happen in 7 months. For anyone reading this who is over 35 and thinking of taking a long break, I'd urge you to not do it. I think it was a mistake. I know it takes some major pushing, but I urge you to push yourself.
A week from Tuesday, I have an appointment with Dr. Swanson from Conceptions. Because I suspect the CCRM Dr. S's won't let me do IVF with my own eggs anymore. I’ll do a follow-up consult with Dr. Su as requested but that’s what I’m expecting to hear. Thing is, I have about $40K of IF insurance left, so I'm hoping that some doctor will let me try longer. (I hesitate to write this because I know so many don't have insurance. But I'd trade anyone, any day, $ for better eggs of my own! And trust me, I am not rich.) Even if I have to fly out to NY or Vegas or somewhere else to go to another clinic, I'd like to use every penny of it, if only to be able to say I tried every which way I could with the funds I was fortunate enough to have available to me. Maybe I'll try the whole Chinese herb thing, get my spleen chi in balance. I'm thinking to give treatments another year and perhaps at the same time, pursue adoption. With adoption, GS only wants to do it if we can get a baby who otherwise wouldn’t have much of a chance, like an orphan from another country. With donor eggs, GS isn’t on board at all. I am, quite frankly, open to anything -- DEs, domestic, foreign, older, younger, crack baby. Seriously. I think. As long as I can put a kid in daycare, since I have to earn money to feed the kid and all.
And ya, there's like a 10% chance or something the IUI will work. So there's that. But with those chances, I've got to be pragmatic.
I can tell you this, if I have a daughter via birth or adoption, I am going to have her freeze plenty of her eggs as soon as she's old enough.
My husband brought a CD with him to Naples with a bunch of pictures we've taken since we've moved to Denver, so he could show his family. Mostly of beautiful places we've been, but also of our home and dogs. When he showed them to his uncle yesterday, he told me, his uncle said if he sees one more dog picture, he's going to bark. Looks like I'm already a weird dog lady. I want to at least get a chance to be a weird mama.
Today I went to a new-to-me accupuncturist. It was at East West Health Center in Greenwood Village, in the same office as my PCP, and their site is The Fertility Cure (oddly similar to The Infertility Cure which most of us have read, maybe they got special permission to use the name?). I knew they had a full staff of acupuncturists, but last IVF, I went where CCRM sent me. This place works with Conceptions. But it's super close and time is precious and so it's my new place.
The acupuncturist, Madalina, was great. Nobody ever looked at my tongue before and told me I must be stressed because the tip is red. She asked if I was type A. I said I'm a recovered type A. I wasn't trying to be funny but she laughed hysterically, which was good because she is soooo serious and super super smart, and it was nice to know she could relate to regular folks like me.
She had me write down information about my eating habits. When she reviewed them, she shook her head and said, you might want to change a few things. Yeah, yeah, I'm already planning to, really!! She gave me a diet. My last acupuncturist never gave me a diet. Some of the diet rules I knew. Well OK, all of them I knew, but some of them I pretend not to know, so as to not be overwhelmed with dietary changes. At any rate, now I have MORE rules.
- No refined carbs, including pasta. She said Whole Foods has pasta made entirely out of vegetables that's OK though.
- No diet soda -- I was going to give up Nutrasweet anyway, which also means giving up gum (except for Dentyne Fire because it's the only one I know of that doesn't have Nutrasweet). She told me some kind of flavored sugar substitute I can add to water, to replace soda, again available at Whole Foods, I can't remember the name but hopefully I'll know it when I see it.
- No decaffinated tea (not to be confused with herbal tea). Bye-bye Earl Grey.
So tonight I went to the store and bought lots of alkaline foods - spinach, fresh tomatoes, raisins, cantaloupe, lemons, bananas, potatoes. I brought them home and GS said, "Oh now we're getting serious here. Hans and Franz are on their way." I said, these damn eggs are going to be top quality if I have anything to do with it.
Also I'm going to try to go gluten-free, as espoused by gluten-free girl, and which first came to my attention by Super Ovum. Having to read labels totally overwhelms me so this one I plan to do half-assed as well as I can.
Too bad I HATE HATE HATE diets. I'm all for eating moderatly and healthily, but I must have a problem with authority because I don't like someone telling me what to eat or what not to eat. The last time I went on a diet was over a year ago when I did the South Beach diet for two weeks and didn't poo for over a week. I know I should apologize for TMI, but I'm so over that. Anyway, that alone was enough to scare me away from diets.
Just think about Hans and Franz (that is going to be my new mantra). Without this %#$@!* diet, they may never be.
Age 31 - In a long-term relationship. Decided to go off birth control because it didn't feel right avoiding conception anymore. After a few years of not trying not to get pregnant, never did. Not disappointed and not really even surprised, as I'd had this funny feeling my whole life that I wouldn't be able to have children anyway.
Age 34 - I met the man (who I'll call GS, short for Good Sport) who would be my husband. He was cool with the no-BC program. He was so cool with it that he talked about having kids, often.
Age 35 - Got married to GS. Had visions of getting prego on my wedding night. Too tired to even try. BUT -- My MOH got pregnant on my wedding night. Or the day before or day after, but I prefer to mentally torture myself and think it was on THE night.
Age 36 - On Jan 1 - Made a resolution to get medical help to get prego. Went to a super nice RE in Tampa, FL (Dr. Welden) that January who had helped out an over-40 friend a few years earlier have twins. Did 4 months of clomid and then one IVF with him. It was challenging, because GS had to work in Melbourne, FL, 3 hours away from our home in Tampa (where I remained), for 7 months because of his stupid company, so one of us had to drive 3 hours across the state of FL to rendezvous on the "right day" each month. Admittedly not the best scenario for TTC.
Lowdown on IVF #1:
July 7 - retrieved 8 eggs. Doc had moral reasons for fertilizing only as many as patient wants to implant.
July 12 - 5-day transfer of one blast and one morula.
July 26 - BFN
Moved to Denver, CO, and went to see Dr. Surrey at CCRM. GS and I had the full battery of tests. Only diagnosis was low blood flow to the uterus, which I'm told could be corrected with (a) acupuncture, and (b) Viagra suppositories. Did IVF. Lowdown on IVF #2:
Oct 30 - retrieval - 20 eggs, 18 fertilized
Nov 2 - 3-day transfer of 4 embryos.
Nov 11 (our anniversary) - first ever + HPT
Nov 13 - + beta - 57
next 2 weeks - beta hell - rising LESS THAN 66% every 2 days...on tests 2 & 3. Then it doubled on tests 4 or 5. Just to mess.with.my.brain.
Nov 30 - u/s showed empty gestational sac
Dec 14 - D & C
Here's a short list of some of the things I had done to help IVF #2 along:
2x/week electro acupuncture to increase blood flow to my uterus
Mayan uterine massage (this is done on the belly, btw)
Hypnosis by a hypnotist that specializes in infertility
2x/day meditation
Weekend painting workshop to attempt to get in touch with my maternal instincts
Attended not one, but TWO, infertility support groups to get in touch with my feelings
Started seeing a psychiatrist to discuss infertility and how to think positive
Avoided sugar, nutrasweet, and non-organic dairy, meats, & veggies
Age 37 - Tossing around the idea of whether and when and where to do IVF #3.
Doc recommends doing a chromosomal test ($2K not covered by insurance) to see if ANY eggs are any good. CCRM has this lovely pay-upfront-and-once-insurance-pays-then-we-pay-you-back policy. I'm still waiting for $4K back. I'd really like to get this money back before giving them any more money. I am so frustrated with the 20+ conversations I've had with their finance dept. that I'm tempted to go to Conceptions instead, even though their stats aren't as good. I did meet one woman at a holiday party who had twins with that clinic with her own eggs at 41. GS thinks I can hyperstim myself with the leftover drugs in the fridge and we can try natural. I don't know about that idea but I suspect it's driven by thoughts of being childless and penniless. Or maybe he just wants my meds shelf freed up in the fridge so it can hold more beer.
