Before my last IVF, back in Oct., I decided that if I didn't have a baby that time around, then I was getting a puppy. Might sound little-girlish. But I don't care. Our current dog brings us so much happiness, that another one is sure to bring more lovey-dovey goo into our home. How could that be bad? So yesterday I went to get a new boxer puppy. Here are my two boxer girls, Luca (2 1/2 yrs) and Pasha (10 weeks). 
I cried when I first got her in the car because it seemed so easy to get a baby dog -- hand over cash and she's yours. It made me realize the sense of unfairness that lives in my heart because it's seems so entirely out of reach to "get" a baby human. Little Pasha is already bringing joy to my heart, even though I did have to get up four times last night to take her downstairs and outside to poop and pee and am so tired today that I don't know how in the world I expect to be able to handle feeding a baby in the middle of the night.
I'm reading "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert, and there's a part where she talks about how people have different reasons for having children -- "out of pure desire to nurture or witness life, sometimes out of an absence of choice, sometimes in order to hold onto a partner or create an heir, sometimes without thinking about it in any particular way." She says some people have children as insurance against later regret, yet that was not strong enough motivation for her in her 30s.
When I started my second IVF, I went to a female psychiatrist three times, and three times only because I felt like I was helping her learn about IVF details more than she was helping me work though any mind gunk. But anyway, one thing she asked me was, why did I want to have a child? Was I sure that's what I wanted? It's not for everyone, she said, you really have to want the whole experience, the smells, the noise, the inconveniences, because it's a whole sensory experience. I couldn't answer quickly. My first answer was that part of me just wants to know my damn body works properly, which made me wonder what I want more -- a working body or an actual baby. A horrible thing to wonder, I suppose. I said, because everyone else my age has kids, and almost all of the ones that don't, are pregnant, or plan to be at some point. I don't want to be left out of the club. To be "in" on what it's all about. Admittedly a lame-ass answer as well. After that session, I thought and thought and thought about whether I wanted a baby for selfish or selfless reasons. Did I really want to sacrifice so much -- my time, my career, my sleep, my disposable income? I THINK I feel comfortable with all of those sacrifices.
When I went into Apothecary Tintura, for uterine massage back in November, Desiree does a 40-minute sit-down chat first to learn about her client (me). Again I was asked, why did I want to have children? This time I answered more quickly (and socially-approriately), as I had spent more time chewing on the answer. I said "because my husband and I have so much love to give, and we want to share that love with a child." That made me feel good inside to say it or even think it.
But part of me knows it's a totally idealistic (and eye-rolling) thing to say. And I do know part of the reason is that if I don't do it, I might regret missing it later in life. I need to feel in my soul though that that part of the reason isn't weighing in too heavily. Because maybe my mind and soul and body aren't in synch and that's why it isn't working. Perhaps all of this is just leading to paralysis by analysis and keeping me from moving foward at a rapid-fire pace. My current therapist says that it's not wrong to want something that you don't need, it's natural, and it's OK to seek it out. Thank god because that justifies the puppy! But I wish I knew with 100% certainty that I wanted a child for all the right reasons, and only the right reasons, but maybe I'm expecting too much maturity from myself, a mere mortal.
