Here's Sarah McLachlan with Fumbling Towards Ecstacy.
All the fear has left me now
I’m not frightened anymore
It’s my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
It’s my mouth that pushes out this breath
Good thing I didn't commit to NaComLeavMo this month. I've been a horrendous commenter, too many trips and distractions. Maybe the big commenting month should be in January not June!! I am very very happy for all of my newly pregnant blogging buddies, your successes bring me joy and give me hope.
I got back from Wisconsin on Monday. I also got AF on Monday. As much as I promise myself I won't be surprised, I have still had this feeling like I'm going to regurgitate all of my internal organs ever since I took a HPT on Saturday morning. I had a mini-meltdown at the wedding. Partially because I found out that a person I had been very close to for a long time had recently passed away. And I guess partially because of the BFN. And partially because of the bourbon I slammed. This fertility mumbo jumbo is affecting my emotional balance more than I want to admit.
My dumb-ass SATC wedding moment came right after I heard the news of the death, when I gently excused myself, walked down the steps towards the ladie's room, and let out a big sob as I was coming down the steps. This also happened to be mere seconds before the bride and groom were being announced. Instead of walking up the steps together, the groom ran up alone, went to the bar, got me a glass of water, and ran back down, while my friend watched in horror. I am SOOOO not a drama queen, and making a mess of the intro was just an embarrasing and ill-timed event. My DH was also at the bottom of the steps. He gave me a very kindly worded talk of how this was a wedding, not a funeral, and how I'd have to postpone my mourning for my friend's sake. I knew he was right, of course, but my emotions had got the best of me. He drove me to buy visine, I fixed my makeup, and went back in an hour later with my party smile and my dancing mojo.
Today I went to see Dr. Surrey for a regroup. I wasn't sure if I was going to even schedule it, even though he requested me to, because I didn't want to hear him say I'm a lost cause. But he didn't say that. Here's my Q&A with him. His responses aren't word for word, of course, but the thought is there.
Me: Do you think my last cycle, with two lead follicles, is indicative of a future decreased response to meds, or do you think it was a fluke?
Dr. S: It's hard to say, and we can retest ovarian reserve, but I doubt if your fertility has decreased that drastically in less than a year, considering your good response to meds the time prior.
Me: If I get my ovarian reserve tests done today, would they be skewed since I just did a medicated cycle?
Dr. S: No, it shouldn't matter.
Me: Do you use human growth hormone in your protocols?
Dr. S: No, Dr. Schoolcraft had used it in a study a while back, but we don't use it since it's not approved by the FDA for infertility.
Me: Do you use DHEA in your protocols?
Dr. S: No, there are studies that have shown it to be effective, but they are not the best studies, they didn't use controls, and they had small numbers of patients.
Me: Would you recommend a change in protocol if I cycle again?
Dr. S: Yes, I'd want to try antagonist with estrogen priming.
Me: What is estrogen priming? I've read about it but am not clear on it.
Dr. S: We give the patient estrogen for a month prior to the IVF cycle. The estrogen primes the ovarian FSH receptors and increases response, and also avoids a situation of lead follicles
Me: Would it make sense to do something like stim a woman every 3 months, do a retrieval, do PGS, freeze them, and save up the embies for one transfer of only the best?
Dr. S: It could be done, but you have the expense of drugs, plus the expense of PGS each time. We have done this type of thing with eggs for women who aren't ready to have a baby yet, but not with embryos for women who are.
Me: How long would you recommend I wait before trying again?
Dr. S: You could try in two months. Normally we wait three, but since you didn't go through the whole thing, you could do two.
Me: My husband is still not sold on donor eggs, but if we'd decide to go that route, how long would it reasonably take to find a donor with blonde hair and blue eyes?
Dr. S: It seems to be cyclical the types of women that we get. For a while we were getting a lot, but there haven't been a lot lately. You may be better off going through a service than through our program for that. You may have to wait six months.
Me: I'd like to try again with my own eggs, and then talk donor eggs.
Dr. S: Yes, I'd recommend that, I think you should try again with your own eggs.
Whew! I didn't expect that. I thought I was a total IVF flunkie as far as CCRM was concerned. I had the ovarian reserve retested after the meeting. Lab fee was $490, ouch. I've heard that testing immediately after a medicated cycle skews the numbers -- Dr. Swanson had told me it would, but Dr. S said it would not. But I was so damn curious that I couldn't help myself, I have to find out ASAP.
I wasn't sure if I should cycle with CCRM in 2 months or Conceptions in 4 months. I went to Conceptions to have a baseline DHEA test too today. I'm a total IVF junkie now. And indecisive. The looks of the lab at Conceptions wierded me out. I'm wondering if their office in N. Denver metro is a bit more modern, but this one is small.
DH thinks I should go to CCRM. The cost for us will be about $5K due to their lab and surgery center being out of network. Conceptions would be practically free -- copays only -- maybe $300. My gut is telling me to try with Surrey though since he's letting me. Because they SEEM better. Even though both docs are really good. Thing is, I'd have to start the estrogen TODAY. I have an RX waiting for me at the pharmacy RIGHT NOW. Should I or shouldn't I....that's the question.
I talked to the nurse at Dr. Swanson and asked her if they do estrogen priming as part of the antagonist protocol. She said no, they used to, but they weren't getting a good response.
It's very hard to make a decision, each doc has their own way of doing things, and each thinks his way is the best way. Really I know my eggs matter more than any other factor in the mix. But still, I want to make the very best decision.
